Flash Fiction Friday: Hello, Snööp

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By: Douglas Hackle The ’70 Plymouth Barracuda was already doing a steady 95 MPH down I-90, causing the ’cuda’s shotgun-riding passenger—a lamplighter by trade—to grip the dashboard with a white-knuckled hand, dig his shoes into the floor, and press his back hard into his seat, his forehead slick with terror-sweat. […]

Flash Fiction Friday: THE MAN WHO WENT TO WAR AND LOST HIS GUN BUT STILL COULD KILL WITH HIS BAYONET AND TOOK OUT A PLATOON BEFORE GETTING HIS DICK SHOT OFF AND STILL MANAGED TO FIGHT AND KILL AND MAIM UNTIL HE BUILT A ROBOT COCK AND FUCKED HITLER TO DEATH IN HIS BUNKER WHILE EVA BRAUN DIED OF FRIGHT AND THE POOR DOG GOT TO LIVE INSTEAD OF BEING KILLED AND HE TURNED HIS ROBOT COCK INTO A CHAINSAW LIKE ASH IN EVIL DEAD SO HE COULD DESTROY ZOMBIES WHO USED TO BE NAZI SOLDIERS WHO BECAME COMMUNISTS WHEN THEY DIED AND TRIED TO MARCH ON BRITAIN TO CONQUER CHURCHILL AND TURN HIM INTO A BOOZED-UP WEREWOLF BUT THE MAN REKILLED THEM AND WENT TO JAPAN WHERE HE KILLED HIS WAY THROUGH HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI AND THE US GOVERNMENT INVENTED ATOMIC BOMBS TO COVER UP THE HORRIBLE MASSACRES AND WHEN HE WON THE WAR HE WENT HOME AND TRIED NOT TO KILL ANYONE WITH HIS CHAINSAW DICK BUT FAILED MISERABLY AND HAD TO SERVE OUT A LIFE SENTENCE BUT HE KILLED EVERYONE IN PRISON SO THEY SENT HIM TO KOREA WHERE HE FOUGHT A T-REX AND BEAT IT TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS BUT THE COMMIES FROZE HIM IN CARBONITE AND BURIED HIM FOR DECADES UNTIL KIM JONG UN ACCIDENTALLY UNFROZE HIM AND THE MAN KILLED EVERYONE AND WENT HOME TO DISCOVER THE NEW PRESIDENT WAS A TRAITOR SO HE KILLED HIM AND EVERYONE AROUND HIM AND INSTALLED TOM HANKS AS PRESIDENT SO HE COULD RETIRE TO FLORIDA WHERE HE CLEANED THE STATE UP AND FED ALL THE ASSHOLES TO ALLIGATORS AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

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By: John Bruni The end. _____ John Bruni is the author of BLOOD, DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN and POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS. He lives in Elmhurst, IL, where he spends waaaaaaaay too much time thinking about weird shit for a guy who doesn’t smoke weed.

WTFriday: Nathan Carson

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WTFridays will bring you the most bizarre moments from a variety of bizarro books, the moments that make you look up from the page and say, “WTF?” So dig into this week’s offering, provided, for your enjoyment, completely without context. _____ Puppy had driven into the little town of Monroe […]

Flash Fiction Friday: Six Days and Endless Nights

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by: S.E. Casey It was during the limbo contest that I knew something was horribly wrong. I wasn’t being ageist in noting the winner was a sixty year old man. As the captain of the cruise ship, he certainly had a lifetime of practice. But when the bar was lowered […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: In My Younger and More Vulnerable Years, My Father Used to Take Me to the Strip Club and Make Me Hold Down Drunks While He Rolled Them for Empty TUMS Travel Containers and Raspberry Fruit Roll-Ups

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by: David S. Atkinson I spent the better part of the afternoon packaging up my excreta in cardboard boxes and clear packing tape again. It’s time consuming, but there isn’t a whole lot of choice. Given my particular situation, I have to dispose of it through the mail. A piece […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Iceberg

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by: JP Vallières We couldn’t get the iceberg to melt no matter how hard we tried: blow torch, bonfire, hairdryer, rubbing our butts back and forth to the song, That’s the Way (I Like It). I’m not into melting things usually, but there were some important items encased in that […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: The Drone Infant

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by: Zoltán Komor My wife wants a baby, but I’d prefer a remote control drone with HD Wi-Fi camera, so I figure out an intermediate solution: I’ll knock up my wife, let her give birth to the child, and after a couple of weeks, when she gets bored with this […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Y2K

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by: Sean Noah Noah Y2K came and went and pretty much everyone could agree that the world had ended, but nobody could figure out exactly how. Just days before, everything had seemed so certain: all the computers wouldn’t be able to change the dates correctly and they’d break down and […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: A Bag With Handles

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by: Bert Stanton All he wanted was a bag with handles. Just one large bag with two handles. Paper or plastic, didn’t matter. Big enough to fit the contents of the brown bag sitting on the checkout counter, almost filled to the top with enough food and assorted sundries to […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: The Friend We Made

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by: James Burr He danced in the dry ice, his limbs staccato-jerking in the strobes. He’d cleared a space for himself and was dancing on the spot, breathing heavily through his nose and mouth, his eyes glazed and staring blankly ahead. “I’m dancing, I’m dancing,” he kept repeating as he […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Job Offer on Seventh Heaven

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by: Martin Rutley It was late, Saturday night, when they brought me in. Strapped to a stretcher, disinfectant smeared into the corners of my eyes, the smell of petroleum in their greasy sideburns. Dressed in the green and gray of the company uniform, each of the six had joyously taken […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Enter the Salamander

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by: Neil Sanzari When the girl of malnourished complexion crossed paths with the ribbit in the ruins of Saint X’s Parochial Middle School, she refrained from drawing a single arrow. It was her first encounter with the dread creature. In fact, she had only heard the faintest of frightened whispers […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Vampire Swans Ate My Office Building

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by: Cornell R. Nichols When I got to work on Monday, 8 a.m. sharp, vampire swans were eating their way through my office building. Zipping around the corporate high-rise in a flock, a ballet, a whiteness, they have managed to strip away the concrete from all twenty regular and five […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Bushland

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by: Avichai Brautigam We mined the planet dead. Not in the sense that we burrowed, like dwarves, carving Morias and Morias into the crust till it all came apart; it was Bitcoin that did us in. Somewhere, in the moldy basement of some half-forgotten Department of the Bureau of the […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: MOM WANTS BOY TO GET NEW SLACKS FROM SEARS

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by: Christopher Lesko Mom: C’mon we need to get you some new slacks. They’ve got good deals going on at Sears right now. Boy: You’re hurting my arm. Mom: I need you to hold my hand when we cross. Could be a weed maniac zipping around the corner. People never […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: The Thinking Man’s Bicycle

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by: Chris Meekings It is barely coin o’clock in the morning, and the bourbon has only just taken the taste of Pepsodent from my mouth when she walks into my office. She’s glass and alabaster, with curves in all the right places, liquorice nice. She walks across the room, her […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: I Likes ’Em Trashy

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by: John Wayne Comunale I’ve always liked my women a little on the trashy side. The ones with elaborate, unnecessary makeup, boots that are way too high with skirts that are way too short, and piercing eyes glaring from beneath dramatically cut, Betty Page bangs. Throw in a few tattoos […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: That’s My Seat

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by John Bruni “That’s my seat.” Chuck looked up from his newspaper. A skinny, balding guy with glasses and a sweaty forehead stood over him, looking intently down. He trembled, and judging from the steel in his eyes, it was from rage, not fear. “First come, first served.” Chuck went […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: A Short Rumination On Things That Aren’t Really Food

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by Bert Stanton Totino’s Party Pizza is anything but a party or a pizza. It’s a square of questionable food stuffs; dough, cheese and meat in name only. The reality is ingredients manufactured in the basement of a North Korean sweatshop. At a dollar a pop, you really can’t expect […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Cosmo’s Five Hot Sex Tips for Pleasing Your Tah-Lahki Overlord

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by Rick Sherman DO YOU. As one of many concubines you will want to stand out. The Tah-Lahki have no concept of masturbation. Diddling yourself creatively is a sure way to attract his/her attention and assure you of an extra ration to help put off starvation for another day. PULL […]

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Flash Fiction Friday: Now You’re Trenchman

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By John Wayne Comunale Carrie peered through the curtains of her bedroom window. The man was still there. She didn’t know why she expected anything different, since he had been standing on the sidewalk across the street from her house for the last five days. Every time she looked out, […]