Flash Fiction Friday: Hello, Snööp

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By: Douglas Hackle The ’70 Plymouth Barracuda was already doing a steady 95 MPH down I-90, causing the ’cuda’s shotgun-riding passenger—a lamplighter by trade—to grip the dashboard with a white-knuckled hand, dig his shoes into the floor, and press his back hard into his seat, his forehead slick with terror-sweat. […]

Flash Fiction Friday: THE MAN WHO WENT TO WAR AND LOST HIS GUN BUT STILL COULD KILL WITH HIS BAYONET AND TOOK OUT A PLATOON BEFORE GETTING HIS DICK SHOT OFF AND STILL MANAGED TO FIGHT AND KILL AND MAIM UNTIL HE BUILT A ROBOT COCK AND FUCKED HITLER TO DEATH IN HIS BUNKER WHILE EVA BRAUN DIED OF FRIGHT AND THE POOR DOG GOT TO LIVE INSTEAD OF BEING KILLED AND HE TURNED HIS ROBOT COCK INTO A CHAINSAW LIKE ASH IN EVIL DEAD SO HE COULD DESTROY ZOMBIES WHO USED TO BE NAZI SOLDIERS WHO BECAME COMMUNISTS WHEN THEY DIED AND TRIED TO MARCH ON BRITAIN TO CONQUER CHURCHILL AND TURN HIM INTO A BOOZED-UP WEREWOLF BUT THE MAN REKILLED THEM AND WENT TO JAPAN WHERE HE KILLED HIS WAY THROUGH HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI AND THE US GOVERNMENT INVENTED ATOMIC BOMBS TO COVER UP THE HORRIBLE MASSACRES AND WHEN HE WON THE WAR HE WENT HOME AND TRIED NOT TO KILL ANYONE WITH HIS CHAINSAW DICK BUT FAILED MISERABLY AND HAD TO SERVE OUT A LIFE SENTENCE BUT HE KILLED EVERYONE IN PRISON SO THEY SENT HIM TO KOREA WHERE HE FOUGHT A T-REX AND BEAT IT TO DEATH WITH HIS BARE HANDS BUT THE COMMIES FROZE HIM IN CARBONITE AND BURIED HIM FOR DECADES UNTIL KIM JONG UN ACCIDENTALLY UNFROZE HIM AND THE MAN KILLED EVERYONE AND WENT HOME TO DISCOVER THE NEW PRESIDENT WAS A TRAITOR SO HE KILLED HIM AND EVERYONE AROUND HIM AND INSTALLED TOM HANKS AS PRESIDENT SO HE COULD RETIRE TO FLORIDA WHERE HE CLEANED THE STATE UP AND FED ALL THE ASSHOLES TO ALLIGATORS AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

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By: John Bruni The end. _____ John Bruni is the author of BLOOD, DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN and POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS. He lives in Elmhurst, IL, where he spends waaaaaaaay too much time thinking about weird shit for a guy who doesn’t smoke weed.

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How I Weird: Michael Allen Rose

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Michael Allen Rose appeared to me in a dream last night. Naked? Absolutely! He popped his eyeballs out of his head and suggested we trade but I was like, “but I like my eyes, thanks,” and he proceeded to howl at me with such a punishingly sweet vibrato that I […]

WTFriday: Nathan Carson

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WTFridays will bring you the most bizarre moments from a variety of bizarro books, the moments that make you look up from the page and say, “WTF?” So dig into this week’s offering, provided, for your enjoyment, completely without context. _____ Puppy had driven into the little town of Monroe […]

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How I Weird: Gerald Dean Rice

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Gerald Dean Rice is an enigma. Some say he is a demonic creature from another dimension that climbed out of a birthday cake. “Surprise!” he said, before melting the birthday girl, friends, and parents, with his famous exploding striptease. Some say he’s more than that, a dream that thought it […]