Once upon a time, Duncan Bradshaw was your standard teenage boy, but whilst on a school trip to the local science lab museum, he was bitten by a radioactive lateral thinker. There was an explosion and some stomach cramps and a dead uncle but now, with all the powers of a lateral thinker, Duncan fights crime with nothing but mind-judo and his mad creative skills and a gun.
He’s got a fucking gun!
WHO – Tis I, your inbred conscience, Duncan P. Bradshaw, here to remind you that your morning toast is quite, quite burned by now.
WHAT – If I knew the answer to this, I’d write it down seventy-four times on seventy-five napkins, with the one spare being used to write down a verse on fly-tipping in Ancient Mexico. Then, I’d go around the group, one by one, and hand them out. The winner would be the person who read the words and believed them to be true.
WHERE – Anywhere I’m allowed to perch unfettered. Which means within my house, either on the sofa (where I am right now) or upstairs in the office, which the wife has now annexed and I do not possess the necessary paperwork to enter. Damn. All my shit is in there!
NOTABLE WORK – Why, that’s my latest novel, Cannibal Nuns from Outer Space! One part horror. One part comedy. One part bizarro. Eleven parts Greek yogurt. It’s a b-movie that has completely bypassed the filming process and went straight to book. It ain’t there to WOW you with its literary nature, it’s there to entertain you.
WHAT DO YOU WRITE WITH – My razor-sharp wit, buffed bronze cojones and a side order of biscuits and tea. When I start a book I don’t need any of the following things; a title, all of the characters and scenes worked out, an escape plan, the ingredients to a prawn biryani, I just need one thing, the opening line and then I’m off! See where my brain takes me.
ONE WORD THAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR MIND – Committee. Five people all crowded one laptop, with free access to anything on the internet, different tastes in music and film, all very different moods, and with a rota of who’s in charge known only unto them. What I do at any given moment is either one of them, or a combination.
CAN WE SEE A PICTURE OF WHERE YOU WRITE –
WHAT WAS YOUR INTRODUCTION TO BIZARRO –
Two books really, the first bizarro book that I ever did read was Madeleine Swann’s, The Filing Cabinet of Doom. Twas very odd and thoroughly enjoyable, though I knew that I could never write as weird as that. It was when I read Jeff Burk’s Shatnerquake, that I knew that perhaps there was something I could offer as it fit more with my own brand of strangeness.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BIZARRO-ADJACENT MOVIE OR BOOK –
I’d have to go with Swiss Army Man. An absolute marvel of a film and the ending still gets me every damn time.
HOW DO YOU RECHARGE –
By discarding my human form at night, and roaming the streets as I truly am. Four voles standing on top of each other with a megaphone strapped to the biggest one. I rummage through the detritus of your civilisation and make maps for general sale at the tourist information booth on the motorway hard shoulder.
WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS –
The man I met on the train the other day, who was trying to sell me his collection of vintage mouthguards. I forgot to ask at the time, whether he had one which was used by the erudite Cookie Monster.
The interview ends with a gunshot.
Mr Bradshaw jumps through the glass window and clambers up to the rooftops. Giggling, firing off shots at the moon before disappearing completely.
“What a lovely chap,” you mutter.
The distant sirens grow louder as you gasp for air, louder still, and then quieter…
Everything only quieter from here on out.
When the paramedics finally arrive they glance at one another.
They already know it’s too late.
How I Weird is a series of mini-interviews conducted by Luke Kondor, looking to celebrate the bizarro genre and the people who work in it. If you would like to be featured, then drop him (me) a line on Twitter at @Lukeofkondor.
Check out more of his nonsense at www.lukekondor.com.