by Tracy Vanity
- Texas man stabbed with Legend of Zelda Sword is in serious condition.
- Cat attacks the shit out of a British man for wearing Hugo Boss cologne.
- “The Swiss Cheese Pervert” has struck again!
Another victim came forward over the weekend, the fourth woman accusing 42-year-old Christopher Pagano of his cheesy trick: Exposing his penis while asking victims to pleasure him with Swiss cheese. Police and witnesses, who have dubbed him the “Swiss Cheese Pervert,” say the man has been terrorizing residents in Mayfair, Penn. since the beginning of January.
- Fargo man arrested for clearing snow with a flamethrower. I really want a flamethrower now.
- Drunk dad asks 8-year-old son to drive him home. Doesn’t end well.
- A Virginia Pizza Hut shuts down after camera footage shows the manager pissing in the sink.
- Mississippi man wakes up inside a body bag in a funeral home. Woke up just in time before getting embalmed.
- Chicago meth entrepreneur is arrested for having a meth lab while wearing a Breaking Bad t-shirt.
- Beard transplants are the new hipster thing. Fuck it, beards are still cool. Hipsters will not take that away!
- Lizards are invading Florida and this time they don’t mean crazy meth heads, they pretty much ARE Florida.
- Typing of Florida, a Florida man who claimed to have wrestled a bear in his trailer park was lying. There was a bear, but the trailer park wrasslin’ didn’t happen.
- Florida man smashes his own Ferrari with a baseball bat because he was pissed off.
- Florida man sets apartment on fire after being asked to stop masturbating by the window.
- Woman attacked for wearing Google glasses at a bar because she looked fucking stupid and deserved it.
- Oh yeah, that news about North Korea claiming to have landed the first man on the sun is a hoax. So is that old news about a hippo eating a dwarf in Thailand.
- In recent weird Thai news, a Thai Satanist killed the singer of a black metal band for saying he didn’t believe in Satan.
- Meanwhile in Russia, an amateur stuntman sets himself on fire and jumps 5 stories onto the snow. The video is cool.
In super lucky motherfucker news, a California couple stumbled across $10 million in gold coins while walking their dog.