Editor’s note: In honor of the season and as a public service, we are departing from FFF’s usual narrative format to bring you this eggnog recipe.
by Frank Edler
It’s Christmastime again. A time of joy, love, warmth, giving and all that nonsense. What Christmastime really is all about is that it’s about time I share my world famous Christmastime eggnog recipe with you all. No, it’s not an old family concoction passed down from generation to generation and across oceans and time. Instead, this is a recipe I have been perfecting for over four decades, tweaking it as the years pass by. Adding some of this, taking away a dash of that and honing it into the decadent, unforgettable Christmastime drink that it is today. It’s just so good that I can’t
You will need:
- 36 eggs, yolks separated
- One pitcher of milk, direct from the cow
- One pitcher of heavy cream, store-bought
- One of those giant bags of white processed sugar from a bakery supply store
- Bourbon, barrel and all
- Rum, lots of rum
- Nutmeg (Meg Ryan can be substituted)
- Christmas Cheer
- A sprig of mistletoe
To Prepare My World Christmastime Famous Eggnog:
1) Milk the cow. This is essential. The fresh, unpasteurized, non-homogenized milk is the cornerstone of my world famous Christmastime eggnog. If you go with store bought you may as well just stop right here and pick up a pint of that pre-made garbage. Don’t be a loser, it’s Christmastime!
2) Separate three dozen eggs, reserve both yolks and whites in separate bowls. Once all eggs are divided, scoop out three yolks by hand and attempt to juggle them.
3) I’m not kidding, do that.
4) Ha! Fool! You’ve got egg yolk all over the place
5) Okay, now you’re going to need to get a beater or whisk or you can just use your index finger. Take the bowl of egg whites and beat them into soft peaks.** I don’t really know what that means but I’ve seen it in almost every recipe that asks you to use egg whites. I mean, what else could you really do with egg whites anyway? Like make egg white omelette I suppose but you’re certainly not the type of cretin that would eat an egg white omelette if you’re making my world famous Christmastime eggnog. So, just go ahead and make whatever you interpret soft peaks to be, because I sure as shit don’t know. We’ll maybe make crafts with that later so set it aside and move to the next step.
6) Oh! I almost forgot. Quick, get a plain drinking glass. Alright, now take like 5 egg yolks and put them in the glass. Oh, just do it! No more juggling, I promise. Cool, now CHUG THAT SHIT! Fuck yeah, just like Rocky!
7) Now you’re going to want to take however many egg yolks are left (I’ve lost count; if you’ve kept track in your head to this point you’re a friggin’ dork) and add them to the biggest bowl you have in your house. Open the ridiculously large bag of sugar and add just enough to fill the bowl to the rim.
8) Ever make meatloaf? Good, get in there with your hands and combine the sugar and yolks. You’re going to make another mess obviously but that’s only because you’re a dumbass. Who the hell would add that much sugar to anything. You will rot your teeth out for sure. So don’t worry about all the sugar falling out all over the counter, that’s on you pal and you don’t need it anyway. Glutton.
9) DON’T WASH YOUR HANDS! I know your hands are like human sandpaper now with the yolk/sugar mixture forming a 25-grit coating up to your wrists, but we’re going to have to power through these next few parts.
10) Now, the fun part. The bourbon barrel. No! Wait! The rum first! Pour yourself a shot, toast to some insignificant bullshit and down that puppy. There, don’t you feel less irritated about this recipe for my world famous Christmastime eggnog now?
11) The bourbon, for real now. Pop the top
12) So now, what you have is just nog. Yes, I know there is
13) Take another shot of Rum. You’re gonna need it.
14) Ladle out equal parts egg nog in the fanciest, most festive, gaudy Christmas themed eggnog glasses you can muster.
15) Grate a little nutmeg (or Meg Ryan) over the top. Garnish with mistletoe. I know it’s poisonous but it’s Christmastime, goddamnit, where’s your holiday spirit?!
16) One more shot of rum. You’re really, really going to need it!
17) Serve and enjoy.
Merry Christmastime Everybody!
*Puke if necessary.
**I nearly forgot the soft peaks! After you’ve finished my world famous Christmastime eggnog and the wave of nausea and/or agita and/or diarrhea has passed, do something with those soft peaks. Wouldn’t want them to go to waste. You can use them as a facial cream, you could do some papiermâché, or perhaps use them
Frank Edler may have been drinking when he wrote this recipe. He wants everyone to know he dated Mrs. Claus before she ever met that fucking dick. He was her first, and Santa just has to live with that shit. Listen to him talk bizarro fiction on Bizzong! The Bizarre and Weird Fiction Podcast. He wrote Death Gets a Book, and you didn’t.
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