It’s summertime, and Eraserhead Press has released three new books to make your beach reading as weird as possible.
EVERY TIME WE MEET AT THE DAIRY QUEEN, YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FACE EXPLODES
Known for his cute, disturbing, and utterly absurd novels, cult author Carlton Mellick III returns with a tale of childhood love and spontaneous face explosions.
Ethan is in love with the weird girl in school. The one with the twitchy eyes and spiders in her hair. The one who can’t sit still for even a minute and speaks in an odd squeaky voice. The one they call Spiderweb.
Although she scares all the other kids in school, Ethan thinks Spiderweb is the cutest, sweetest, most perfect girl in the world. But there’s a problem. Whenever they go on a date at the Dairy Queen, her whole fucking face explodes. He’s not sure why it happens. She just gets so excited that pressure builds under her skin. Then her face bursts, spraying meat and gore across the room, her eyeballs and lips landing in his strawberry sundae.
At first, Ethan believes he can deal with his girlfriend’s face-exploding condition. But the more he gets to know her, the weirder her condition turns out to be. And as their relationship gets serious, Ethan realizes that the only way to make it work is to become just as strange as she is.
From the award-winning author of Sweet Story and The Haunted Vagina, comes a twisted love story that is as creepy as it is heart-warming. Get it HERE
DRUNK DRIVING CHAMPION
When a hundred drunk drivers line up for a cross-country competition, it will be a race you won’t forget and they won’t remember.
The best drunk drivers in the nation have gathered at the U.S. Capitol for a race to the Pacific Ocean. They have talent. They have ambition. They have breathalyzers in their cars that will shut off the engine if the driver’s blood alcohol content drops below .16. The flag drops at the height of rush hour.
After a fifty-car pileup at the starting line and dozens of major accidents on the streets of D.C., only six cars make it out of the city. Second-string stockcar drivers, German Kung Fu masters, forgotten Soviet sleeper agents, frat boys, an unemployed sommelier, and a washed-up 80s pop star battle it out in this grueling, action-packed race. Facing overwhelming obstacles and outrageous intoxication, the racers battle the police, AA sponsors, each other, and themselves for the grand prize of one million dollars and a free liver transplant.
From the most sardonic voice in modern fiction comes a debaucherous action-comedy in the form of a bizarro “Cannonball Run.” Get it HERE
NOT SAFE FOR KIDS
WARNING: THIS BOOK IS GUARANTEED TO EMOTIONALLY FUCK UP YOUR KIDS
Ah, children. They are obnoxious little question machines. And they won’t shut up until you’ve given them a response. Dumb jerks. This book addresses all the cold, hard answers to all those stupid, stupid questions like:
Does your poop smell bad? That means you’re dying.
How do little rocks turn into big ones? They eat people.
Did you know you can breathe underwater? It’s true. Your body doesn’t like it at first, but you totally can.
Did you know that holding babies makes you run faster? Try it and see!
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could go back in time and fight dinosaurs for control of the moon? No it wouldn’t be. You’d totally die.
So sit down and layer on the emotional scarring with this read-aloud picture book you WISH you could share with children. A hilarious read that is NOT SAFE FOR KIDS.
Get it HERE