by Tracy Vanity
Gollums, Neverending Story dragon-slaying, alien sightings, cannibalism, and yet another step towards the robot apocalypse. It’s time for a Bizarro News Roundup kids! Yee-haw!
While on vacation, a Chinese tourist happened across a golum-like creature while taking a piss. News reports say the creature resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but I think it looks more like something from Pan’s Labyrinth. What do you think?
UFO sighting in Montana:
- In more alien news, a retired marine has admitted to dedicating 17 years to defending 5 human colonies against Martians. He even enjoyed a nice retirement ceremony on the moon. The 30-minute video at the source link is worth a watch.
- It’s only a game…or is it? 3 Americans have been hospitalized with demonic possession while playing with a Ouija board in Mexico. Demonic possession videos are trippy.
- What do old people taste like? Depends. An elderly French lady has been accused of murdering and eating her 80-year-old husband’s genitals and other body parts. She is now being nicknamed the “female Hannibal Lecter.” To be fair, Hannibal murdered and ate many victims and is really fucking hot.
Peanut, the winner of the 2014 World’s Ugliest Dog contest is cute in a demonic, bowel-ripping way. No, he’s adorable and the contest raises awareness on the importance of adoption. Congrats Peanut! He should be the Bizarro mascot!
- Man on meth eats sparkles at a Burlington Coat Factory. And he wasn’t in Florida!
- This man needs help removing his 100 pound scrotum.
- Foreign exchange student gets trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. He doesn’t want to be named. I’d own that shit!
- Adelaide man Guy Albon, who had his four guns confiscated due to fears over his ‘mental competency’ brought about by him wearing a colander on his head in his gun licence photo, has been given the all clear after he insisted the utensil was crucial to his religion, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” Source
In robot apocalypse news, Japan has unveiled a new robot newscaster among other android prototypes who will plot to destroy all humans in due time! Even with the uncanny valley shit going on, robot technology is finally reaching our Asimov expectations.
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Last but certainly not least, in the most devastating news in all of the history of Bizarro News, Falkor has been found and shot dead in Malaysia.
Why anyone would kill a flying luck dragon who goes after school bullies is beyond me. My thoughts are with everyone in Fantasia. This is a sad day indeed.
Credit to @CassandraRules for the above pic and for breaking the news and my childhood. Never forget…