When approaching Douglas Hackle to be interviewed, I had to check-in for psych eval to make sure I was mentally tough enough to handle the sluice of imagination juice I was about to open my mouth for.
After the psych eval was over, the Bizarro Central doctors patted me on the head and said, “It’ll have to do.” They then sent me on my way with a spicy butt slap.
Anyway it turns out I wasn’t ready.
Far from it…
WHO – Douglas Hackle (aka Big Daddy D, aka D-Eazy, aka Tha D-Child, aka Tha D-ster, aka Tha Big Dippa, aka Douggie-Style, aka Tha Douginator, aka The Dougerizer, aka Dazzlin’ Dizzy-D McNasty, aka Dig-Dug McDoogenstein McDrizzle, aka DJ Dougzilla von Chillmasta, aka Fyodor Dougstoevsky, et al.)
WHAT – What? I’ll tell ya what. Luke, I think you think you’re fancier than me cuz you have a British accent and drink tea every afternoon. THAT’S what. >:/
WHERE – Northeast Ohio, not far east of The Mistake on the Lake.
Oh, so you think you’re better than me cuz you’re in the UK, Luke? Hey, at least my PILGRIM ancestors had the balls to escape religious persecution in England by undertaking the perilous and arduous trek to the NEW WORLD. Yours chose to stay put like the fancy, tea-drinkin’, British accent-havin’ cowards they were! Oh, wait…now that I think about it, I don’t have any ancestors from England. Terrified of boats and water, my craven ancestors never set foot outside the tiny village of Hóllstäävgorbênzsteiner in the no-longer-existent, landlocked country of Änzǒlskáboêrvoliniadoviӑ. Never mind.
NOTABLE WORK – Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of DOOM and TERROR!!!
Clown Tear Junkies
The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack
WHAT DO YOU WRITE WITH – There was this chick in my college fiction workshop who said my writing was the best in the class—man, I still can’t believe I didn’t try to bang her! I mean, what the hell was I thinkin’, right? Like seize the day, right? Shit, what a friggin’ dork I was. Oh, wait, what was the question?
ONE WORD THAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR MIND – I mean, I should have at least asked her out, right? What’s the worst thing that could’ve happened? She could’ve said no. Big deal, right? Man, what an unimaginable, inconceivable, insufferable, epic dork I was. Wait, whut?
CAN WE SEE A PICTURE OF WHERE YOU WRITE – She was hawt, too. Man, what a friggin’ dweeb I was. Someone really should’ve just put me out of my misery—gouged my eyes out, ripped my face off, and chopped my fucking head off. Knowwhati’msayin’, son? Shit. Wait, whut? Oh, here:
WHAT WAS YOUR INTRODUCTION TO BIZARRO – Vacation by Jeremy Shipp
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BIZARRO-ADJACENT MOVIE OR BOOK – Hm. I generally don’t have absolute favorites of things. Also, I’m not so sure I know where the line is between things that are “bizarro” (enjoyed primarily for their weirdness) and those that are “bizarro-adjacent.” But probably best not to overthink the question, eh? Here:
Movie: Spirited Away
Book: The Ignored by Bentley Little
HOW DO YOU RECHARGE – By watching Charles in Charge. Get it? “Recharge” rhymes with “charge.” Like, that’s all there is to the joke. Get it now?
Man, that was fucking terrible. In fact, that was so terrible that it probably doesn’t count as an actual joke. Yeah, yeah, I know—don’t quit my day job, right?
WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS – Chillington the Chillmaster of Chillville. And if you can’t get ahold of Chillington, then Charles in Charge.
“We’re going to have to put him down,” the doctor’s say. “There’s no helping him now.”
The needle goes in.
“Sleep now… sleep… shhh”
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