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by Tom Lucas, Metaphysical Dilettante

The stars look down upon us and cast their judgment. What is their verdict for you? This can be determined by searching for your birthdate and sign below.

Three-headed Wonder (March 1 – March 18):

You are one with unsurpassed vision, but this gift has its price. It is difficult for you to make decisions. You are an expensive date but worth it. Remember, you do have three tongues.

It’s time to stop talking and take action. Small things crawl in the corners. They wish to eat you while you sleep.

Doppelganger (March 19 – April 15):

You are deeply ambitious and more than willing to cross the line to get what you want. People think they know you — but they don’t. But, they are pretty sure it’s you. But it isn’t.

Soon you will receive an answer. Dead radio waves reach the fillings in your teeth to deliver thought abominations. Consider your path as sentient landmines lurk below your pensive steps.

Stench Pile (April 16 – May 17):

Few can stand the strength of your stink. This makes you rather intimidating, and you get off on that. Such a bully you are!

Lately, they have been talking about you. There are plots and plans afoot. Best to sharpen the knives and load the guns. Also, consider picking up a gallon of gasoline for your chainsaw. You haven’t fed your cat for a week. Time to take care of your pussy.

Cursed Grimoire/Box Ornate (May 18 – June 20):

You possess the mind of a genius and the secrets of a sinner. You are enigma. A puzzle. A riddle. A complete mystery. Is the concept clear or must I go on.

Sometimes you really can be a pain in the ass.

One day soon, they will put a bag over your head and take you to a remote place. Tell no secrets, leave no evidence.

Chaos Mutant (June 21 – July 22):

Wild, you know few bounds. Obviously, you are only invited to parties and public gatherings where cleaning services have already been secured.

A close friend will reveal their extra-dimensional origins. You must do your best to pretend that you didn’t know this all along. Do not lash out in anger. People lie to you all the time, you should be used to it – do not commit any party fouls.

Phallus (July 23 – August 22):

When friends refer to you as a cock, you simply smile. Buttons pop when you stroll down the street. You radiate orgasmic perfection. This can create as many enemies as friends.

You will be getting laid. AGAIN. Hope you like conjoined twins with sharp teeth. Fucker.

Elephantian (August 23 – September 22):

The Celestial Elephant – the royal observer – you know and see all. You are in complete sync with the cosmos and creation. This would be a gift, but you rarely share your boon with others due to your shyness.

The apparent lack of meaning in the universe haunts you. So, you know, same old same old. Consider changing your routine or picking up a hobby to keep your mind busy. Collecting is nice. You know, stamps, dolls, hitchhikers…

The Unknown One/Abyssal One (September 23 – October 21):

It is said that we pathetic humans only desire two things: Love and Justice. You are happy to provide the latter. You crave it and strike when it is needed. This singular way of thinking often wreaks havoc. Fortunately, this is exactly what you live for.

You will witness a selfless act, a true act of kindness. This will be exciting because finally, someone to punish. It’s been a while, no?

Cannibal Hobo (October 22 – November 21):

Never one to stay in place for long, you let your appetites lead you to their logical conclusion. Like many transients, you are often looked upon with suspicion. Like all cannibals, these suspicions are warranted. Best to hide your true nature for as long as possible.

Mmmmm. Brains. The sweetmeats. Few truly know how delightful they are. This may be the time to educate those nearest to you. I suggest coating them with a seasoned batter. Think dipping sauces. Mmmmmmmm…..

Plague Doctor (November 22 – December 21):

The world and those who live in it are your petri dish and your playground. Progress must be made, dammit. You will stop at nothing to achieve your goals, but you prefer to doggedly chase results using systems and formulas. You are not a wild beast.

Oh, if the fools only understood how important your work truly is. They need to get out of the way and allow you to perform the necessary experiments. Fucking insects. Ignore them and continue your “practices.”

Corpulent Goddess (December 22 – January 23):

All must kneel to your dominance. Mommy dearest — you always know what’s best. Those who do not listen are doomed to meet your palm or fist. Those who do will have earned your love eternal.

There will be many infractions. Rule-breakers abound. There will be much discipline to administer. Be sure to do your stretches – your spanking arm will be rather tired when you are done. An old friend calls you and leaves a dirty message.

Drunken Fool (January 24 – Feb 28):

You are unbridled bliss, but your jaw often flaps, causing trouble and consternation for those around you. Fortunately, memory has never been a priority and all transgressions seem to slide out and away when you are sleeping. One positive, your humor is unsurpassed in your social circle, and you are admired for your creativity and imagination.

You will be told something important. You will be asked to carry a message. You will promise to not forget and to deliver the message with a quickness. You will completely forget to do this and by the point you remember, it will be too late. Frozen peas work well to reduce the swelling caused by being punched in the eye socket. Wow, I don’t usually get this specific, but it’s really coming in clear today.

Yellow Monarch (February 29):

There is no record of your being. You are a whisper, a shadow, merely a rumor with shoes.

Do you hear that buzzing sound? That’s the sound of the abyss about to…


Tom Lucas was born and raised in Detroit, and although currently enjoying the lack of snow and ice in Florida, remains a son of the post-industrial apocalypse.

He is a college professor, author, blogger, poet, book reviewer, and spoken word performer. He is also the author of the bizarro books Leather to the Corinthians and Pax Titanus.

When not writing, Tom likes to drive fast and take chances.

For more information visit: http://readtomlucas.com/

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